The only way out is through!

As I’ve been sharing over the past several weeks, my team and I have been taking some time off to enjoy the summertime weather and be with our kiddos.

It’s been great to be able to step away for a bit, spend time with the kiddos, in the sun, at the beach and really just having some space.

I have been feeling a bit cramped the last several months and things have been snowballing from there. Actually, ever since we moved back to NY if I am honest with myself.

It wasn’t what I expected it to be, I am not sure exactly what I expected but it wasn’t what I thought it would be.

You see, as you may or may not know, I moved to TX 3+ years ago because I had to escape, my past, my family, my trauma, and while I was in TX for those 3+ years I did tremendous healing, emerged as a new person, and really learned to stand in my true potential (although, I now see I wasn’t even scratching the surface). I have had the great honor of helping amazing entrepreneur’s to get the hell out of their own way and forge a path to freedom.

And some where along the way, I forgot what I was fighting for, shit got hard, again, shit, last year was the most profitable year to date in my biz and it was filled with joy and love, and awesome amazing clients, beaches, and lots of family time. It’s one of the reasons I chose to come back to NY, I thought I had come full circle, that it was done, that my past was finally in the past and it was safe for me to come back home to NY, not to my family, that I know is not safe, but to be able to live where I want to live, how I want to live and not be worried about if I am going to run into my past .

So, I took the plunge and almost as quickly as I decided to leave NY in the first place, we left TX and headed back to NY, this time John went ahead with out me so he could settle things for us, and we could get the kiddos registered for school, when we left the first time, they weren’t even in school yet 🙂

John moved back home within 24 hours of making the decision and me and the kids within 45 days. it was filled with lots of interesting adventures and of course, it took a lot of money and resources went into making another cross country move, definitely a bit more strategic this time 🙂 thank goodness, I do learn from my past 🙂 but still it was draining and it took a lot out of me.

A lot more than I had thought it would, sure it was filled with excitement and fun, and I felt a sense of comfort being back in my old stomping ground, but me, I wasn’t the same woman who left those almost 4 years ago now, I had changed, evolved and grown into someone else. And when I got back in that old environment I was challenged, big time.

It was weird, almost this surreal kind of twilight zone thing going on because it was familiar yet it wasn’t because I was different. I also discovered that despite all the healing and evolving I had done, I wasn’t able to come full circle until I was back in my neck of the woods.

And so, over that past 9 months or so I have been rediscovering who I am through new eyes, in a way that was not possible for me before because I was holding onto so much baggage, being held hostage, a prisoner in my own mind, own world and today, I wanted to share that with you, and now that I am on the other side of this, and have come full circle I can see the magical gifts that were in store for me. It’s like I am back, its me on steroids so to speak, stepping into my potential and being even more of me.

I wrote this passage in my journal during this journey, I have been hesitant to share it with you because, its harsh, its vulnerable, its me, it’s scary, you could judge me, and yet, my gut won’t not let me share it because I know I am not the only one who has gone through this, and I want to help and I believe shining the light in the darkness is the only way to truly lead to the light.

And if you’d like some support, either 1:1 or in a group setting be sure to check out the PS, as summer is winding down I am beginning to make room in my schedule to take on a very select # of clients, so if you are ready to liberate yourself and you’d like some help, then let’s chat, okay! 🙂

Here goes…and if this offends you and don’t like having me in your inbox any longer, no worries, I am definitely not for everyone and that’s cool, the unsubscribe link is at the bottom of the email 🙂

Who do you think you are?

You think you have the power to change a situation? To make it better? To make your life better? To create a biz and life you want?

Please, get the hell over yourself, you are useless, you are worthless, you’ll never amount to anything and you might as well just give up now.

You are a useless piece of shit that has never amounted to anything and never will. And what you are really afraid of is that you will be found out, that you are a complete and utter fraud, because guess what. that’s what you are!

Seriously, who in the fuck do you think you are? I mean for real. Get the fuck over yourself. Do it now, just come to terms with it, you are a useless, piece of shit that is worthless, seriously why are you even trying, it’s such a fucking joke.

You are a fucking joke, my God, look at you, you are destroying your life, everything you ever thought you’d work for. It’s gone, you are destroying it all, pretty soon, there will be no one left by your side. The only reason the people who are by your side are by your side is because, well, they can’t see a better option right now, but trust me, when they do, they will be out of here like white on rice.

What is the point?

What is the point of all of this, it’s like why keep on going, what are you working towards? What is it all for?

It’s like in this moment, it seems as if you have lost all hope of becoming something better, something stronger, something worthwhile, something other than your mom and you look in the mirror that’s all you see. You see her, a worthless piece of shit, selfish and you can’t even get out of your our own way. Look at you-you, you have Having destroyed all that was. You don’t even know who you are anymore. It’s like there is nothing left to fight for, what the fuck are you fighting for? Where the hell did this come from? How did this happen?

And now you realize that you just screwed up a really great opportunity, And it was probably a really good chance to turn everything around, but of course, you fucked it up, again! What else is new.

And now, well, You Think, Well I guess, Going back to doing what I was doing…, Isn’t that bad?

Who cares if it was doing something you don’t believe it,I mean who do you think you are that you get you, What you love, what you’re passionate about what you really good?

Come on man, this stuff is so deep, this dysfunction, it’s so deep it’s in your Fucking DNA,It’s in your kids DNA for crying out loud. Come on you really think that you could actually do something about it do you?Like really you think you are “The One” that will bring about change?That will turn this shit around, Come on who do you think you are?

You haven’t even done it yourself, you can’t even stand on your own 2 feet, you are useless and worthless and you’ll never amount to anything. You’ll never amount to anything. Why don’t you just give up now, Give up on your dream. Your dream, come on now, you are so freaking pathetic you don’t even know what it is. Really?

Come on who are you kidding. Just give up. Just give up now, All you do is cause more harm, more hurt, more betrayal, more pain, more suffering, more struggle.

I can’t even believe these thoughts, these words, Is this really how you think about yourself? Like really and you think you’re going to help other people?

It seems you’re not even in a position to help yourself.

OMG. this is eye opening. And this hurts really bad.

These thoughts, These words, Has it been running the show the whole time?

Just a waiting, waiting for you to fall, for you to break, to die.

It’s so painful. You didn’t even know this about yourself. You don’t even know why it hurts so bad. You don’t even know why you feel this way, They’re so much in the past that you thought you left there. Only, you left you there too, and that part of you, she has been living in that pain day in and day out, never able to escape it. And now you she rears her ugly little head and causes havoc and thoughts and feelings that you don’t know what to do with them and you try to shut her out, to shut her off.

You can never leave her behind, not without healing her first, she is always with you, running the show in the background, that scared little girl, 3, 5, 7, 13, she does not have the capacity to navigate this, no, she was never meant to navigate this. But you left her, alone, in the dark, with the demons and now, you feel lost, and scared and lonely.

She feels lost and scared and lonely, and now she’s angry, she’s angry you abandoned her, you left alone, high and dry and out there on her own.

And you thought she would not fight back, not lash out, not try and get your attention.

Yes, that is her, messing up your life.

Your business.

Your finances.

Your relationships.

She is the one causing the struggle, the hurt, the pain, the sacrifice.

She knows it, she knows it all too well.

And now you feel like a lost child who doesn’t know her way home.

You tried calling out to her, but she doesn’t hear you, nobody hears you, there is no answer, the phone just keeps ringing and ringing, no machine, no voicemail.

Nothing.

You are all alone.

Feeling lost, and scared, and lonely and angry.

You  just want to go back home.

Why won’t anyone save me?

Why won’t you come to my rescue?

Why do I have to go through this?

Why do I have to go through this on my own?

 You were supposed to take care of me, you were supposed to love me, to protect me from evil, from harm, from the devil but instead, you slept with him, you are the devil in disguise now.

 

I don’t even know you anymore.

 

I am on my own trying to fight to live another day to survive to get by only you left me with no map, no GPS. I can’t even see the sun, the stars and the moon, no way to navigate this on my own, my head is spinning, my eyes are filled with tears. I’m terrified, and you, It’s you, I never really wanted this, I never signed up for this, I just wanted to be loved.

 

I trusted you. You told me everything was going to be okay,it’s not OKAY, my God, it’s not even close to okay.

It’s not even close.

You are stuck in your own prison, that you created just pretending that it’s okay.

Being held hostage by your trauma, the past, the abuse.

You can’t even recognize yourself anymore. You’ve become the things you swore you would never be.

But you can’t feel, no you can’t feel, you don’t have time for that no, there are bills to pay, and food to put on the table, so you just keep on keepin on, covering it up, pretending it’s okay.

But the wounds they run deep and these scars, oh these scars are constant reminders.

You pray you hope, you pray, you hope, begging, pleading, please, come and save me, please help me escape from this hell, this prison.

But here’s the thing, nobody’s coming to save you, despite the fairytale stories you were told as a kid, no, you are on your own.

Left in the dark, with the pain, hurt, the guilt, shame, it’s cold and scary, and you don’t want to be there, no, you’d rather be anywhere else, but not here, not now, not after all you’ve been through, all you’ve done to try and put this behind you.

But, the only way out is through.

Embrace it, feel it, swim in it, take from it what it has to give you, the strength, the courage, the potential, and allow it transform your life.

There is power in the darkness, there is power in no longer pretending, there is power in healing, you can be saved, you are worthy, you are child of God, despite it all, in fact, because of it all you have the power, the strength, the courage, the tenacity to get out of survival and into thriving.

But, the only way out is through.

Isn’t it time you stopped pretending that everything was okay, let it go, the shame, the guilt, and embraced who you really are.

It’s safe for you to be you, it’s safe for you to transform your life.

But, the only way out is through.

Take back your power and come home. Come home to you. Love yourself, full, complete and free.

xox, Kim