You’re a firework!

Stop trying to be someone else, it’s all about you

 

I made this huge realization this morning right after my morning walk.

 

Most days I get up early, exercise, meditate with my 8 year old, and then get my 8 year old and 4 year old ready for school. After that, I come back home, go for a quick meditative walk around the neighborhood and breathe in life, it’s kind of been my routine, and it’s kind of been pretty boring lately, like I am just going through the motions.

 

I felt like I was in a rout, but this morning I took a different route around my neighborhood and it took me longer than usual, and my meditative playlist ran out, I was going to start it over again and then the thought popped into my head to try something new, so I picked an old playlist I hadn’t listened to in years (probably almost 3 by now). The first song was by Journey, Don’t stop believing, by the time I got the song playing I was just about done with my walked, I put the key into the door and unlocked the door, and headed to make my morning smoothie with ear plugs still blaring the song, I began to sing along.

 

Actually, not only was I singing along but I was dancing along, as I opened all the windows and sliding screen doors in the house and was just having fun. I was practically screaming at the top of my lungs, you know when your favorite song comes on the radio and you are just belting it out and not really caring what anyone at the stopped traffic light cares. I was in the flow, then the next song came on, Katy Perry, Firework.

 

Screaming at the top of my lungs as tears streamed down my face, I began to feel the lyrics in my bones, and something sparked inside of me. It was a magical moment and I truly felt alive again.

 

I finished up the playlist with Survivor, Eye of the Tiger and was raring to go.

 

While these songs were playing this emotion came over me, I was alive, I was happy, I was ready to start my day and began writing what I realized, which I am sharing below and that is, for practically all my life, I kept trying to make it about everyone else, but all along it has always been about me. Just like it’s always been about you all along.

 

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It’s all about me, ironically it’s always been about me. Me searching for that happiness, that inner peace, looking for that outside validation. Ha, it’s been here all along, everything I ever needed to succeed is right here, right now, it’s all inside of me.

 

All I have to do is learn to accept myself, to love myself, to be happy with myself.

 

To find that spark inside of me.

 

The one that grows and grows and is longing

 

Longing for me to finally accept me, to fly my freak flag, the one that is all about me.

 

Man, I have tried so long to make this about other people. What they want, who I need to be to have those things that I want.

 

I never really wanted those things, well,that’s not true, I do, I do want those things.

 

But that’s not really what it’s about, it’s about me, wanting to accept and love me for me.

 

All that outside looking, to be friends with the right people. Or any people for that matter, to have the right clothes, the right bag, the right shoes, the right house, the right coach, the right car, the right weight, the right, you get the idea.

 

I was trying to fill a void, a void that was inside of me for so long.

 

And of course it was, I was only a little girl, barely able to mutter a few words when it was taken away from me.
I just forgot that now, as an adult I get to take it back, I don’t have to wait for someone else to give it to me.

 

I can take care of myself, I don’t need someone else to feed me, or clothe me or protect me or love me, i have me, and that’s all I need.

 

I just need me, I can fill the void, I can love myself, I can protect myself, I can feed myself, I can clothe myself, I can express myself.

 

I get to choose.

 

All this time, in searching for freedom, it was here all along. All along inside of me, waiting to be discovered. Waiting to be okay with me.

Trying to cover up the wounds, to pretend that I wasn’t hurt, it wasn’t cool to be hurt, it isn’t cool to have baggage, it isn’t cool to be damaged, to not have the right clothes, the right hair, the right car, the right house, the right accent. The right background, the right mom, the right dad, the right whatever it is.

 

But I am me and that is all I need, I have me, I don’t need anyone else.

 

Do I love others, of course I do, I love my kids so much, they are my world, and I would give my life for them, truly, my husband, is the most supportive man I could ask for in my life, I love him to pieces, more and more each day.

 

But I don’t need them like I need me. Because once I have me, all of me, and I accept me, all of me, I have everything that I need. And until I do, I don’t have anything, even if I have everything I ever wanted, even if tomorrow all my hopes and dreams I have ever had came true, I would be nothing without me.

 

There is no joy in that, it’s like they say money can’t buy happiness but it can sure buy you a lot of things.

The truth is, I have had it all, the house, the cars, the clothes, the bags, the body, the hair, the schools, the degrees, the jobs, the boat, the life. I had it all, and yes, I want it back but not because it will make me happy, but because I want them, but I don’t need them.

 

What I need is me.

 

And in order to get those things back, I gotta love me, I gotta accept me, I gotta allow me to be me. I have to express myself in the way that only I can express myself, I have gotta allow myself to shine through, like a firework, to explode in the night sky. I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to be me. Just me, all of me, without leaving any of those pieces out.

 

You know the ones that I don’t want anyone to know about.

 

The ones that on some level are still hurt and wounded and have been screaming out to me for far too long, some most of my life, since the first signs of abuse started, by the time I was 2.

 

Yes, those pieces of me, having been orchestrating this, have been begging, have been creating chaos so that I could finally wake up and let them be.

 

For me to be okay with what happened to me, not to excuse it but to understand it, not to make it okay, but that I am okay. I understand it, I don’t blame my perpetuous anymore, I don’t blame myself anymore.

 

I used to for a really long time, and sometimes, I still carry around this anger, this hurt, this pain, that that little girl injured, at the young age of 2 when she was first sexually abused, or 13 when she was forced to have an abortion, or at 11 when she barely escaped with her life, or at 19 when she again, barely escaped with her life, or at 9, when she was raped, or at 24 when she once again barely escaped with her life, and that’s not even the tip of the iceberg.

 

But it was because of who I was, and what I had been through, who I had become in the process that allowed me to finally get guts enough to stand up for myself at the age of 34 with two small kids and a husband and decided that all the stuff in the world, the material possessions didn’t matter, that her life was what was important, that her kids lives were what was important, that it didn’t matter that it meant that she had to give up everything she ever knew to start all over again.

 

That women, would have never been able to do all that if it were not for all she had endured, and all she had become in the process. And that women who decided at the age of 38 that she was ready to go back to her home land and yet again, start her life all over again.

 

You see, it’s not about all the stuff you have, you don’t get to take any of it with you, it’s not about what you have to give up in the process, and there will be plenty, but it’s about who you become in the process. It’s who you always were. Let your light shine through, let your light shine through so brightly, let it shine on those wounds, and heal your past, and allow yourself to be whole again. The only way out is through, the only way to be fulfilled, to have it all, and keep it all is to love you in the process, to accept you in the process, to allow you to be the one who decides what it all means, your past, your present, your now. The only time is now, don’t delay another moment, your life is waiting for you, your freedom is waiting for you, that little girl/boy inside of you is waiting, for you to love them, to accept them, to protect them. They have infinite and unlimited wisdom for you, you just gotta get through the chaos, the judgement, the masks, strip it down and allow yourself to see you for you, and love you for you, wounds, warts and all.

 

Once you do that, the world is your oyster, you may create what you want, how you want, with who you want, whenever you want, with whoever you want and you will keep it, and you will be fulfilled, you will be living your purpose, your truth and there is nothing more freeing, or fulfilling or satisfying then walking through life with that kind of conviction, freedom, confidence.

 

You are powerful beyond measure, you are more powerful than you yet know, let your light shine like a beacon, be all of you, and stop hiding those pieces of you that you think are unacceptable, are ugly, or dark, or cold, or scary, let them into the light and use them as fuel to get what you want.

 

You are worthy, just because you are, you are here, right here, right now, you are worthy, the only time that truly exists is now, the past is already done, the future isn’t guaranteed, the only time is now.

 

What do you choose?

Much love, xo,
Kim

P.S. I made a brief announcement yesterday about opening my calendar for 5 slots of 2 hour intensive sessions with me, does one of them have your name on it? If you are ready to bust through your blocks and finally own your value, own your worth, accept yourself for who you are, warts and all, and bolding walk in the world then this is for you. Go here to grab your spot! <<go here now>> to claim your spot! But hurry, there are only a few spots open before it goes away and price more than triples. 🙂 P.P.S. Have any questions, just send me a message 🙂